What do the following topics have in common?
- a mother who has a child consistently breaking curfew – and she has found pot in the child’s room
- a parent insisting on random UAs for their child who has been dabbling in various substances
- a couple assigning tasks to their blended large family which include household chores and limits on when they will drive and pick-up kids from unplanned or spontaneous plans
- a client being reminded to be on time for appointments, or they will be charged for a full hour
They all involve boundaries – either lack thereof or the need to enforce them. Lately, I’ve been discussing boundaries at length with clients, co-workers and friends.
Mention the word “boundaries” to anyone and people usually cringe. For some reason, the word has a negative connotation and sometimes, reaction. The opposite is, in fact, true. Boundaries, when reasonable and clear, set expectations and limits within all of our relationships – be it romantic, work, friend or parent/child. Boundaries set a standard and ensure a baseline of trust, which is a necessary component for any successful relationship.
One thing that makes me simply nash my teeth to powder is when a parent tells me, when discussing boundries, is, “Well, they’re over 18, I have no say,” or “They’re an adult, I can’t do anything about it.”
Um, huh? What? Did you really just say that? You can and need to do everything about it.
So parents, I ask you this: do they live in your house? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are you paying for their living expenses? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are they going down a path that is high-risk? Yes? Then set boundaries. Now.
A father recently came to my clinic to talk about his oldest child, an adult, who moved back home after years of heroin use. The child has been in and out of rehab. Nothing is sticking, and the using is getting worse. The child stayed clean for a bit of time, but recently relapsed. The child was stealing from his parents and lying to cover up the substance use. We discussed treatment options. I suggested that based on the current status of things, it was probably time for an intervention to take place.
“Well, I don’t want to kick a dog when it’s down,” the father said. “I’m not sure now is the time for that.”
Boundaries are severely lacking in all aspects of this child’s life. We talked about boundaries as a gift, not a punishment. I added to the father that if this didn’t happen, his child might not have another chance to steal money from him – because the child most likely will succumb to his addiction. In this case, boundaries will more likely than not serve as a life-saver.
I struggled with boundaries soon after opening my private practice. I had clients that would text me at all hours of the night and if I was up, I would usually engage in texting with them. But it was taking an emotional toll on me. I can’t be available 24/7, and I wasn’t doing my clients any favors. So, I stopped answering texts and calls after a certain time at night and let those clients know that I was not available during those times. It was a boundary I needed to set, one they respected, and it benefitted us both in the long run.
So set your boundaries, and never apologize for doing so. Your relationships will thrive – not suffer.
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