A family came to me with their 17-year-old son, who was running – not walking – through every house rule. He wasn’t checking in with his parents as they requested. He was dabbling in substances, coming home high and/or drunk, well past his established curfew. Grades were suffering. The problems were many, the parents had lost control and all three were sitting on my couch, the parents in tears and the son, smirking and visibly high (unbeknownst to the parents).

“Sounds like a good time for a behavior contract,” I told all three.

A tool I use in my practice, and use often, is helping families write and implement behavior contracts. I have used behavior contracts with parents of tweens, teens and adult children (ones living at home as well as those living on their own in a college setting, or ones that have recently returned home after treatment).

Why a behavior contract? There are many reasons:

• It lays out expectations so there is no one saying  “I didn’t know” or “You never told me that.” An example of this would be “Curfew on weekday nights is 10:00 p.m.; curfew on weekend nights is 12:00 a.m. sharp.”

• It keeps everyone accountable for both actions and consequences. i.e. failure to comply with stated curfew times will result in an immediate 48-hour phone surrender; there will be no video gaming when any one grade drops lower than a “B.” 

• It sets boundaries – in writing for all parties involved to see – whereas prior to the contract boundaries may have been loose, or in some cases, non-existent:  “There will be no smoking marijuana, vaping or drinking.”

• It clearly defines anything and everything that needs definition and clarification “you will be allowed to drive the Honda to and from school, and we will provide gas money, but any other driving beyond to and from school needs to be approved by one parent in advance.”

Behavior contracts are not completely punative; they can offer rewards – “six months of clean drug tests and your curfew will change from midnight to 1:00 a.m. on weekends.” or “we would like to host your friends over at least twice a month and we will order the food of your choice.”

The most important point about behavior contract is this: make sure you are willing to follow through with what you put on the document. For example, if you are not willing to drug test your child every month, and implement consequences for a failed test, then don’t put that on the contract.

I have firsthand seen many successes with behavior contracts. They are an excellent way for kids to earn back trust that’s been lost, to prove responsibility and for parents – to rein back control in areas where it’s been lost.