The woman looked at me with tears streaming down her face. “I know I should be over this already,” she said. “But I’m getting worse.”
This particular woman had lost her healthy husband of 40+ years suddenly in an accident. About six months had passed when we spoke. We discussed many things about the death and their relationship leading up to it. The accident was particularly horrific and it made many people around her uncomfortable to discuss it. She found herself resentful of other’s good health and as a result, was feeling guilt comingled with sadness and anger just about every emotion in between. She also had children and grandchildren that were grieving and felt responsible to be strong for them, and in the process, pushed her own grief aside.
In my work with clients and grief, I have discovered there is no clear-cut formula, no “correct” timetable of events or feelings to check off a list. And I hate the phrase “get over it.” I just hate it. People grieve at their own pace, in their own way. Grief is deeply personal and manifests itself differently in everyone. One person might want to talk about the loss at length to process it; the next person might retreat inward and not want it mentioned at all. Grief is fluid, and hits at certain, random times – usually when its least expected.
The client and I continued to talk. I was pretty direct with my response. “Why do you need to be over it already?” I asked her. “It was a tragedy. You’re still in shock and grieving. You lost someone you love and you miss him. Don’t put a timetable or expectation on yourself to be a certain way at a certain time. Allow yourself to grieve and don’t ever apologize for it – to anyone.”
I know this woman is still grieving, and will be in some stage of grief forever. And I hope she feels permission to do so.
If you are grieving: grieve. Don’t apologize for it. Ever. Sometimes, there is no “getting over it.” There is coping, sure, and figuring out how to move forward in an unexpected direction. But getting over it? That’s simply at times impossible. And an unrealistic expectation that can minimize and impede the grieving process.
If a loved one is grieving, don’t judge their grief or tell them how to grieve; be a safe place for them to rant, vent, laugh or cry. Never tell someone to “get over it “ or that “it’s time to get over it.” People deep in grief need people that can listen to them on the good, bad and ugly days. Above all, encourage them to see a professional counselor or therapist that specializes in grief, and can be there to help them navigate their journey forward.
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