Most senior parents (like I am) are in the throes of picking out XL twin sheets, hoarding Bed Bath & Beyond coupons, planning graduation parties and trying not to bawl like a baby at every senior night event.
Aside from the hunting and gathering, there are other things to prepare yourself – and your kids for – as they prepare to leave home. The number one thing I ask parents of the college-bound is how much allowance do they plan on giving them? And how do you plan on giving it?
One friend told me her child is getting $100.00 a week. Cash. “How is she getting it?” I asked. “Why, the ATM,” she replied.
Her answer, as my daughter would say, was cringy.
Not the amount. The amount was not cringy – heck, give your kids as much money or as little money as you think is reasonable. That’s purely a budget decision. But please, please, pretty please, this Drug Counselor begs you: do not give them access to large amounts of unaccounted cash. Period. Do Not Do It.
Why?
Because your friendly neighborhood drug dealer only accepts cash. And because the students who could potentially supply your child with large amounts of alcohol for a binge drinking night only want cash. Cash is untraceable, as is your child. So limit this option.
I see a few college students in my clinic that got in way over their heads with some serious drinking and various drug use. Luckily, there were no sentinal events, but two landed in the hospital, one is now in rehab, and all were extremely lucky. Their parents were completely unaware of the level of their partying of course, because how could they possibly keep tabs on someone that’s not under their roof 24/7?
I know, I know. You’re reading this and thinking to yourself “Oh, this won’t happen to MY kid. MY kid’s not like that.” Trust me, I get it. That’s what we all think. The aforementioned kids all came from “good” families that live in “good” neighborhoods. But here’s the thing. According to a recent study by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, almost 60 percent of college students aged 18-22 drank alcohol in the past month, and almost 2 out of 3 of them engaged in binge drinking during that same timeframe. And, in 2015, a University of Michigan study revealed that 38 percent of college students reported smoking marijuana in the past 12 months.
I plan on giving my son allowance, but he will use the credit card and debit card for most to all of his transactions. I know there are times when he will need cash, and he’ll have access to it, but it’s going to be extremely limited. And he’s going to have to account for every dime.
So please, please, add “little to no cash access” on your college kid’s list in the number one slot. This item is way more important than choosing the perfect comforter.
“Were you happy you woke up?”
It’s a question my boss taught me to ask people that came into our clinic, a 24-hour, 7-day a week, 365-days-a-year free Crisis Clinic. Many that walked through the door presented with suicidal ideation (S/I), or had made previous unsuccessful attempts.
This particular client was a young Hispanic female, maybe mid-20s, with a history of past attempts, the last one being an overdose of prescription pills. It was one of my first S/I cases, and I wanted to make sure I did everything right. As I staffed the case with my boss, she asked if I asked the client if they were happy they woke up after last attempt. I hadn’t even thought to ask.
Some of the questions we were trained to ask clients who expressed suicidal ideation included the following:
- Are you planning to kill yourself?
- How are you planning on killing yourself?
- Have you tried to kill yourself in the past?
- How did you try and kill yourself?
Notice the words “kill yourself.” We didn’t use “hurt” or “harm” or “do something” – we were trained to look people straight in the eye and use the word “kill.” We were also trained to say it in regular conversation voice, as if we were asking them what they ate for dinner last night, or who happens to be their favorite celebrity crush of the week.
But asking someone if they were happy when they woke up? That wasn’t part of my “formal training.”
“Go ask her,” my boss said. “See what she says, then take it from there. But always, always ask that question, and document the answer. Her answer will change how you treat and approach this case. It personalizes it beyond the ‘checklist’ questions.”
I went back to the room, monitored now by a co-worker (standard protocol for a person with S/I). I asked the client again about her past attempts, then asked her to think about the very last time: when she woke up in the hospital, was she happy to wake up?
She hesitated for a long time, staring at the floor, then looked at me. “Yeah. Yeah I was happy to wake up,” she said. “I was glad it didn’t work. My mom was sitting there crying and I’ll never forget it.”
Turns out no one had ever asked her that particular question. I told her how happy I was that she came to get help for herself today and how I wanted her to wake up tomorrow. We talked about her current plan to kill herself. She was feeling depressed and hopeless but was also, what we call in clinical terms, futuristic. She wanted to feel better but talked about upcoming events she needed to attend, school she wanted to finish, things she wanted to accomplish. Her depression was untreated and unmanaged
Our clinic staff put her on the road to treatment. I told her how happy I was that she sought help and how I wanted her to wake up tomorrow in her home, not in a hospital, or worse….to successfully complete the suicide and not wake up at all.
I now always, always ask clients that express S/I or have attempted to kill themselves in the past if they were happy they woke up. It starts a rich conversation and explores areas to apply to a treatment plan. We examine days that they were happy when they woke up, what was going on that particular day, and if they don’t feel happy now…..what do they need to do to get there, or what do they want to be different? We implement safety plans to remove means from their environment.
Sometimes, one simple question can make a huge difference. We just need to ask.
When I wrote my original business plan, I had a concrete vision for what I wanted my private practice to look like and the clients I wanted to serve. Adults, 18 and above only, 8-5, Monday through Friday. Period. This was my plan from the beginning, and whenever I closed my eyes and pictured my clients, that was what I saw. Although I had experience working with youth in during my graduate school clinical rotations and previous agency work, I was calling my own shots now and wanted to see only the clients who I wanted to see. And that meant adults, 18 and above only.
Did I say that I only wanted to see adults, 18 and above only?
Rookie mistake Numero Uno.
Guess who my very first, paying client was? One who called and wanted my very first available appointment, same day or next day, if possible? You guessed it. The parent of an 8 –year-old boy.
My next call was for a teenage girl. Then my next call was a middle-school aged girl. And the call after that was for a teenage boy at-risk for substance use and abuse.
Well, you get the picture. None of these calls were for adults. None of these clients were over 18. But guess what? They all wanted to see me. And I had many slots to fill in my practice. And since empty slots don’t pay the rent, I booked the appointments.
The teens and tweens, as I like to now call them, starting coming in. And a funny thing happened. I was enjoying my work with them. They gave me a new energy and excitement that spilled over to my counseling approach and to my practice. There’s something awesome about a kid bouncing into your office, kicking off their shoes, plopping down to LIE on my couch, covering themselves in one of my blankets and stating, “Mind if I just lie here and be a load today while we talk? I have a lot to tell you and I need to be comfy!” Adults simply don’t do that! And it’s great.
I began reading up on the latest research on cutting, social media trends among middle and high school kids and brain development through the ages. I ordered games that encouraged talking and interaction, stocked a shelf with coloring books and colored pencils and printed out many “worksheets” for 8-18 year-olds that focus on core values, anxiety, anger management, gender/sexuality and depression. I attend “teen-centric” CEUs on bullying, cyber bullying and social media. I now assign journaling, and keep up on Netflix Series such as “13 Reasons Why.”
So much for my practice of adults, 18 and above only.
My business plan changed just like that, and I changed along with it. At this point, nearly 10 months in my private practice, more than half of my clients are under the age of 18. My hours are heavy from 3-8, Monday through Friday, and occasional Saturdays, not 8-5 as I originally thought. Kids can’t miss school for therapy, so I accommodate them as needed. I still see many adults, 18 and above, per my original plan, but I love love love working with my tweens and teens.
If your business plan veers off in an unexpected direction, or you find a niche that needs to be filled – go with it – as long as the clients you serve are within your scope of expertise. Change it up when and where you have to ensure success – and a full schedule. If I didn’t change it up, I would’ve missed out on these great kids. And the personal and professional growth that they’ve brought – most unexpectedly – to my career.
The woman looked at me with tears streaming down her face. “I know I should be over this already,” she said. “But I’m getting worse.”
This particular woman had lost her healthy husband of 40+ years suddenly in an accident. About six months had passed when we spoke. We discussed many things about the death and their relationship leading up to it. The accident was particularly horrific and it made many people around her uncomfortable to discuss it. She found herself resentful of other’s good health and as a result, was feeling guilt comingled with sadness and anger just about every emotion in between. She also had children and grandchildren that were grieving and felt responsible to be strong for them, and in the process, pushed her own grief aside.
In my work with clients and grief, I have discovered there is no clear-cut formula, no “correct” timetable of events or feelings to check off a list. And I hate the phrase “get over it.” I just hate it. People grieve at their own pace, in their own way. Grief is deeply personal and manifests itself differently in everyone. One person might want to talk about the loss at length to process it; the next person might retreat inward and not want it mentioned at all. Grief is fluid, and hits at certain, random times – usually when its least expected.
The client and I continued to talk. I was pretty direct with my response. “Why do you need to be over it already?” I asked her. “It was a tragedy. You’re still in shock and grieving. You lost someone you love and you miss him. Don’t put a timetable or expectation on yourself to be a certain way at a certain time. Allow yourself to grieve and don’t ever apologize for it – to anyone.”
I know this woman is still grieving, and will be in some stage of grief forever. And I hope she feels permission to do so.
If you are grieving: grieve. Don’t apologize for it. Ever. Sometimes, there is no “getting over it.” There is coping, sure, and figuring out how to move forward in an unexpected direction. But getting over it? That’s simply at times impossible. And an unrealistic expectation that can minimize and impede the grieving process.
If a loved one is grieving, don’t judge their grief or tell them how to grieve; be a safe place for them to rant, vent, laugh or cry. Never tell someone to “get over it “ or that “it’s time to get over it.” People deep in grief need people that can listen to them on the good, bad and ugly days. Above all, encourage them to see a professional counselor or therapist that specializes in grief, and can be there to help them navigate their journey forward.
Recently I had a client facing a tough weekend situation – a family reunion of sorts, and he had no idea what the outcome would be after the visit. Of course, he knew what HE wanted the outcome to be……a reconciliation…….but had zero clue which way it would fall out. Because he is at high-risk for relapse, there were many concerns on my end how this client would handle an end result that wasn’t what he would consider to be a positive one.
In session, I talk a lot with my clients about feelings, actions, reactions, thoughts, emotions……well, you get my drift. I did the same thing with this client regarding pretty much every potential scenario. At the end of the session, I told him his motto for the weekend, no matter what happened, was this: productive or destructive.
This technique is pretty simple, and easy to implement in any facet of our lives. I ask clients to stop and consider these four questions, which apply to most situations:
- Are my words or actions productive or destructive?
- Do I consider the other person’s words or actions productive or destructive?
- Will I frame my reaction in a productive or destructive way?
- Can I change something from destructive to productive? Or is it not possible?
From this point on, I’ll refer to this technique as POD.
ACTIONS There’s nothing worse than doing something we either instantly regret or stew about for days. Of course, once our actions are out there, we can’t take them back or change them. But we can prevent them from happening by pausing to think if the action will be POD, then act accordingly to the result we would prefer, or on which side of the action coin we would rather be.
REACTIONS Of course, it’s Counseling 101 that we can’t control anyone else’s actions. What we can control is our own reaction. This is where POD is extremely helpful. If someone is being destructive, how helpful is it to respond likewise? What is the reaction(s) that would be most productive in x, y or z situation?
WORDS Much like our actions and reactions, we can’t change them once they are said and done. Words (spoken, written, texted) must be thought out and used mindfully and carefully. Before you send that email, text, or say that snarky reply to your partner, consider if those words will make the situation POD. How will those words be received?
RELATIONSHIPS I use POD often with couples in solving or working on conflict. I ask couples to think about the characteristics of their relationship that are productive, and the ones that are destructive. We focus on why certain aspects are productive, and how we can take the destructive ones (if we can) and move them into the productive category.
WORK What is your style at work? Are you a productive co-worker or a destructive one? How do you handle POD bosses? Is your overall work atmosphere POD? Many times clients talk about work issues, and we use the POD technique to sort out myriad challenges and issues. POD can also be used to assess whether it’s time for a work or career change.
But back to my client. POD helped him through his situation, even when the outcome wasn’t necessarily what he wanted. He also used POD to apply a productive, positive coping skill, instead of resorting to his past destructive one of self-medicating with drugs.
This week, if faced with something challenging, hard or unexpected, stop and think to yourself: is my reaction going to be POD? Will my words make turn the situation POD?
I hope everyone has a productive week.
I want to switch jobs, but…
I ‘m not satisfied with my relationship, but it’s okay for now.
There’s never a good time to start my own business. Maybe in a few years.
Once the kids get older, we’ll travel.
We’ll save more money once we x, y and z.
As a counselor, I hear the above phrases, or similar ones, on a daily basis. Many people come to me wanting to change something in their lives – a career they hate, a relationship they feel stuck in, or a behavior that’s simply not working for them anymore. Change is hard; the fear of the unknown often holds people back from, what I like to say, taking a leap. Often, people continue to plug along in the relationship, the job or the financial situation as they’ve been doing and eventually get frustrated.
To work through this with my clients, I have a few steps we complete in a session. If it’s a relationship they want to change, they list the pros and the cons, and we discuss them. Then I ask them this question: what’s the worst thing that could happen if the relationship ends? What’s the best thing that could happen if the relationship ends? What’s the worst thing that could happen if the relationship continues? What’s the best thing that could happened if the relationship continues? I have them describe what their life might look like in either scenario. Then we discuss the steps that need to happen to get to that end point. Another thing I always challenge my clients with is this: if you don’t do x, y, or z now, when do you think it will happen?
Recently, two good friends of mine left their long-term relationships. There were no sentinel events in either case…no affairs, no cheating, no betrayals; the relationships had simply run their course, and each respective friend knew that if they didn’t end them, they would continue on in their current and unsatisfying present form. They each took a brave step and walked away from the comfortable, the familiar, the steady, and into the scary world of the unknown. These friends don’t know each other; they live in different states. Both have said to me, on different occasions the same thing: if they didn’t make the change now, they knew they’d probably never do it. And although it’s been tough, they are glad they did.
Change is hard, tough, challenging and scary. It can also be wildly exciting, with new and different possibilities. Sometimes, we need to take that leap of faith…and ask ourselves: if not now, when?
Recent Comments