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College Parents: You Gotta Back the F Off

College Parents: You Gotta Back the F Off

I’m reading a lot about snowplow and lawnmower parenting, and it’s nowhere more apparent than the parents of college kids.

I see pictures of parents at sorority bid nights. There are parents visiting their kids with such frequency that I wonder if they’ve taken leaves of absences from their jobs. There are monthly local parent “chapters” for many universities that congregate to do things like assemble packages to send to little Johnny and Susie.

I know of a parent that took a day off of work to go meet with their kid (a senior) and his academic advisor to oversee the picking of next semester’s classes. Another parent told me that she can’t wait for Senior Year to be over because “we are spending hours online filling out job applications.” And by “we’ – she meant herself and her kid.

A friend of mine recently sent me a screenshot of a chat from a Parent Facebook page (yes, you read that right – a Parent Facebook page) from her son’s college. A parent posted a desperate plea – ‘IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ’ – asking if someone had an extra pair of mittens for Sally and could they bring them to Sally’s dorm because Sally lost hers and she didn’t want Sally going to class the next day in a snowstorm without any gloves.

I kid you not.

This is where we are at.

I’m all for being involved and staying connected with your kid, but this is getting out of hand. We are making it so that kids can’t problem solve anything – including getting themselves to Target to buy a new pair of gloves.

I have a college-aged sophomore at Baylor University. When I decided to write about this topic, I searched for Parent Facebook pages, because I honestly didn’t know these even existed. There were a few. Reading the comments alone seriously made my head want to blow off my neck. It was all kinds of nuts. These parents are spending serious time asking opinions about professors, apartment buildings, dorm food nutrition and myriad other things that their kids should be dealing with – not them.

College parents….and prospective college parents: you gotta back the F off. They are in college. They are young adults and they don’t need you there at every turn. They need to figure things out. You are not doing them any favors. In fact, you are stunting their growth and cognitive development and setting them up for a lifetime of needing you to be involved with any big – or little decision they make.

I’m seeing more and more “Failure to Launch” young adults in my clinic and believe me, these kids all come from families that have historically micromanaged every aspect of their lives from preschool on up.

It’s a balance. And a delicate one. Parenting is a game, and you need to be in the game. But your job is to be a cheerleader, a coach…..not as a player. Encourage them, instead, to be independent. They might make some good decisions, and probably some bad ones, but don’t fix their mistakes or troubleshoot everything. Be supportive and loving and present – but be in the background, not on the front line.

3 Suicides. 1 Month. 1 College Campus.

3 Suicides. 1 Month. 1 College Campus.

I live in the Great State of Texas, and many college students – 66,425 in 2016 to be exact, attend A & M. So of course, it goes without saying that I know lots of kids who attend school there, as well as others in the process of applying for a future spot.

One of my close friends has a son there currently and was alerted during the last month about two recent suicides on campus. Details are unknown, but just the other morning, she texted me about yet another one. That makes three. Of course, this story was buried in the news amidst hurricanes and other happenings.

Another friend, in another state, told me about a recent suicide on the campus where her son attends school at the University of Boulder-Colorado.

All of this news came after a call I received recently from Rock Prairie Behavioral Health Hospital in College Station. One of my former clients who attends school there checked themselves into the hospital feeling hopeless and suicidal. Luckily, this client reached out for help before doing anything. I received this call one day – just one day – after writing a letter my client requested asking her apartment manager to please waive a $400 pet fee because her cat was crucial to managing her ongoing anxiety. She couldn’t nearly afford the pet fee. She also, in my opinion, could not afford to not have her cat with her for the sake of her own mental health. It was a letter I gladly wrote.

The pet fee was waived.

This rash of college suicides, hitting so close to home, is worrisome. According to an American College Health Association (ACHA) study from 2016, the suicide rate among young adults, ages 15-25, has tripled since the 1950s and suicide is currently the second most common cause of death a month college students. This study has other interesting stats: 22.7% of students felt things were hopeless within the previous two weeks of being surveyed, and 58%, in that same timeframe, felt overwhelmed by all they had to do.

These statistics are alarming, but they are certainly not surprising. College is a stressful environment for many students. They are navigating being on their own for the first time, and dealing with newfound pressures of picking majors, dealing with roommates, and attending to life skills such as grocery shopping, laundry and organizing their own time management. Add the rampant availability of drugs and alcohol on campus and for some students who are already at risk, it can be overwhelming.

While are warning signs for suicide, sometimes, there simply are none. Kids can spiral fast. So listen when your child tells you they are feeling hopeless or worried or anxious or depressed. Encourage them to get help, and get it now. Insist on it. It could save their life.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has a hotline that operates 24/7 at 800-273-8255. Students can also text HOME to 741741 and a live, trained Crisis Counselor will respond immediately.