It’s 2018 and everyone is talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Regardless of the time of year, I always ask clients to tell me a few goals they want to work on in therapy. Of all the goals people state, one of the most common ones I hear is this: “I just want to be happy” or “I want my kid/spouse/marriage/parents to be happy.”
When clients say that, I know therapy most likely will not give them what they need. Because happiness isn’t a goal. It’s a mindset.
I think a lot about happiness. I talk at length about it with my clients ranging in age from 10 – 91. What differentiates happy people from ones that are not? How can we be happy when we are in the midst of a personal crisis? How can depressed people be happy? What is happiness and how can we measure or judge it?
While the answer to happiness is far from simple, and it’s different for everyone, there are a few things to think about regarding happiness….and how to make it a mindset, not simply a goal:
1) Manage expectations – Remember Prom? Or Homecoming? Or New Year’s Eve? Probably wasn’t as great as you thought it was going to be, right? Sometimes, we need to manage our expectations. Focusing on the small, funny, happy moments even if a night or big event goes awry can put a positive – and fun – spin on things.
2) There’s no Magic Happy Pill – Many clients expect happiness to appear out of thin air. I hate to tell them this, but it doesn’t. That’s not how happiness works. I recently had this discussion with a client who told me she was “waiting to be happy.” My answer to her was, “You’re going to be waiting a long time if you think happiness is just going to show up.”
3) Look for the Small Things – Often there is happiness or joy all around us. We just sometimes miss it because we are too wrapped into our own thoughts and our state of mind gets in our way. For instance, at the airport in California where I began writing this post, I observed an elderly couple holding hands. I saw a young child wearing his Disneyland sweatshirt and clutching a stuffed Mickey Mouse, his eyes still wide with the wonder and excitement of his magical vacation. I could have chosen to focus on the traffic and crowds and other common annoyances of traveling, but I was too busy focusing on the positive things all around me.
4) It’s Not Up to Other People – Rule number one is that happiness needs to come from within. Expecting others to be that source is simply setting yourself up for failure. Of course, we derive great happiness from our personal interactions and relationships, but those cannot be the sole source. Being happy with ourselves means accepting the good, bad and ugly of ourselves, and realizing that at the end of the day, our state of “happiness” is up to us – and only us.
5) Not Every Moment of Every Day is Happy – and That’s OK. We live in a world where we literally have a front seat to everybody’s lives on social media. And I always, always remind my clients that no one posts the bad stuff. Case in point: a client told me about a friend that was posting amazing holiday pictures – family at church, everyone in matching pajamas on Christmas Eve, opening presents, everyone smiling and happy. When she spoke to that friend, she learned about some of the fighting and things going on all while those “picture perfect” photos were being snapped and posted. We carefully edit and delete the bad pictures, the imperfections, the out-of-focus shots. No one is happy 100% of the time. No one.
6) Focus on the “Happy.” – One of the exercises I utilize in my clinic is asking clients to state the “highs and lows” that occurred since our last session. I usually ask for at least three each. When clients tell me “there were no highs” I don’t let them off the hook. I ask them if they saw any friends, did anything fun, at at a restaurant they like, had a text from someone that made them laugh. Focusing on the positive, no matter how miniscule it may seem, can slowly, over time, help shift our mindset.
7) Surround yourself with Happy People – Let’s face it – hanging out with Debbie Downers all the time can have a domino effect. Think about the happiest friend or family member or co-worker you know. Be around them more. Pull back from the people in your life that constantly emote negative energy.
School is out for the first semester, and maybe your child is struggling with a transition or an issue that needs some outside help. That’s when a counselor might be the answer. A good counselor can help someone work through challenges, problems and sorting out life’s pressures.
There are some important things to consider when choosing who will work with your child. Make sure you have an initial phone consultation with any potential counselor and find out the following:
1) Availability – Some counselors book appointments only during work hours, and others offer weeknight and weekend hours to accommodate school, sports and other activities. Some counselors offer in-home or distance counseling options as well.
2) Specialization – Make sure the counselor is adept in the specific area you need. Does your child have anxiety, depression or a substance use issue? Do you need someone with experience with eating disorders? Children under age 10 usually benefit from someone who is a Registered Play Therapist. Ask a counselor upfront about their area(s) of specialization.
3) Payment – Find out about the payment options offered by the counselor or counseling practice – do they take insurance or are they cash-pay only? And what payment types are accepted? Some counselors (such as myself) offer discounts for military or first responders. I also offer discounts for multiple, pre-paid sessions. Don’t be afraid to ask if there are options for discounts.
4) Consistency – The therapeutic process is maximized when there is consistency. Make sure you are willing – and able – to commit to a regular appointment schedule. Oftentimes, people make the mistake of thinking that one or two appointments here and there are enough. A lot happens in the weekly life of a child or teenager! Regular, scheduled appointments will help bring the best results.
5) Credentials – Be careful with this one. Vet the credentials of any potential counselor. Some people take “online certification” courses and call themselves a counselor. Make sure yours holds a minimum of a Master’s Degree and is licensed to practice in in the state where you live. You can verify credentials at any Department of State Health Services’s website.
Above all, make sure your child is comfortable with the counselor they visit. The therapeutic relationship will work only if your child feels the counselor is someone they can work with and confide in. Good luck with your search!
Dear Addiction Client,
I am writing to tell you a few things that were on my mind after our last session – actually, things that have been on my mind since the first time you walked through my door.
I can always tell when you are lying to me. Believe me, I’ve heard it all. You’ve been lying to yourself for so long that I know at this point, even you may believe the stories you tell. But I don’t. And the people around you that know you even better than I do better don’t believe you either. Beginning with the truth is a first and crucial step on your journey to recovery.
Show up for your appointments. You are wasting money if you don’t show up. And show up consistently, and on time. The only way you are going to get better is with consistent and continual therapy. Showing up for appointments holds you accountable, and forces you to be responsible.
Oh, and besides the importance of showing up for appointments……don’t show up high. Truly. Just don’t. It’s not funny, or cute or anything else. It is disrespectful to me and my time. And it is disrespectful to you and your time. You’ll never get anything done in that session – anything that you remember. Plus, I’m not going to let you drive home so besides the money you waste on the hour of therapy….you’ll also have to have an Uber to drive you home, or someone come pick you up.
If you were voluntold to come to therapy, that’s ok. Don’t be angry about that. Someone in your life loves you and is desperately trying to get you the help you need. Be glad there is someone that still cares enough about you at this point to try and get you some help. Because trust me: soon, if you don’t get serious about your recovery, they will get to the point where you will lose them forever. And they’ll be gone. Think about that while you complain about them to me. Picture your life without them for a
No one is going to do the work for your recovery. That comes from you. Not me, not your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, daughter, son, girlfriend, boyfriend, cousin, neighbor, Pastor, Rabbi, partner, friend or spouse. You will most likely have the support of one or more of those people I just named, but you and only you are responsible to do the actual work. Period.
Do I sound like I’m being hard on you? I am. I want to help you, and I want you to get better. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I don’t call you out from time to time. I know you are hurting. I know addiction is a beast to overcome. But you can fight it. I’ve seen people fight tooth and nail for their recovery. It’s possible. Anything, anything you want….it’s possible if you want it bad enough.
Recovery can happen. It can. I know you don’t think that now, and it feels like everyone is against you and the world is a hopeless place…..but stick with me. I believe in you. I know you can do it, you just gotta dig down deep and do the work. I have seen nothing short of many miracles in the time I have been working with people in addiction. I’ve seen people hit rock bottom and come back stronger and better and totally opposite of how they were before.
I can’t wait for you to re-read this letter once you’re in recovery. Do me a favor, and let’s read it together. It will be the biggest gift to me as a therapist, to see how far you’ve come.
Thanks for listening. You mean a lot to me, and I know you mean so much to the people in your life. We all want the best for you. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the best.
I’ll see you next session.
So you’re thinking about therapy. For most people, that’s a really huge step forward….and a great one, in my opinion. (‘Cause obviously any therapist would be totally stupid to say anything else otherwise.) No, but all jokes aside. I think therapy is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and your mental well-being.
But here’s the thing. Therapy isn’t the answer to all your problems. It’s part of the solution to your problems, but it’s not the be-all-end-all answer to everything.
I can’t tell you how many people walk into my office for their first appointment and expect to have life’s answers figured out and solved in a 60-minute timeframe. When they realize this is simply not the case, I can tell by the look on their face that they are not coming back. And they don’t. And that’s really too bad, because mostly these are the people that need therapy and would benefit greatly from it.
Or, I’ve had clients tell me they were in therapy previously but nothing was changing so they stopped going. One client recently told me this and I asked him how long he had seen the therapist. His answer? Two appointments.
Sorry people. Therapy is not a magic-bullet, quick-fix solution. It just doesn’t work like that. I wish it didn’t, but it doesn’t. Therapy is a process. Sometimes, issues can be resolved in a few appointments. Other times, longer-term, regular and consistent therapy is needed for a few months. It all depends on one thing: how much work a person is willing to put in. And how dedicated they are to making changes.
And here’s another thing. As a client, it’s your job to apply the techniques and work on the goals mutually agreed upon in session; the work is not all on the therapist. Oftentimes I assign clients “homework” of sorts. The ones who do it seem to have the most success and make progress. Others stay stagnant and frustrated. I tell them it’s because they have to be willing to put in the work outside of session. Behaviors don’t change because we want them to change. We have to constantly work to change them.
The other day a woman called me around 10 in the morning. She asked if I had an appointment at noon…that same day….on her work lunch break. I’m always leery of people that need an appointment RIGHT AWAY. Why? Because I know they expect it to solve something and have an instantaneous result. Of course, I assessed for crisis and suicide risk due to her sense of immediacy and quickly got to the root of the problem: her boyfriend had told her she needed to see a therapist or he would leave her. I knew if that was her motivation for coming in, she most likely would think that one therapy session would change everything.
Changes aren’t going to happen in one therapy appointment. Changes and progress can be made with steady, consistent attendance of therapy…and applying the techniques and suggestions that are worked on in session – out of session. I tell all of my clients this: therapy is the foundation. But it’s also work. The real work is done in between appointments. I’ve seen people make positive changes, get out of ruts, recommit to failing relationships, stop using substances and get out of jobs they hated – all due to self-discovery and changes they were willing to make in their lives. It wasn’t the therapy alone: it was the combination of them willing to show up, do the work and make the changes they wanted to make.
Therapy is a commitment and one that is worth it. It’s just not a quick and easy answer. It’s one piece of a puzzle that you have to work – with your therapist – to solve.
I met Sarah McClelland when we were graduate students in San Antonio. She was personable, funny, and gosh, was she always in amazing physical shape!!! After grad school, she moved to Chicago, has been working as a clinician at a group practice. We’ve kept in touch through the years, and I was super-excited to see that she took the plunge and opened up her own shop in May.
Her innovative practice, Chicago Mind & Body, is a psychotherapy practice providing clinical counseling services with an integrated focus on exercise and nutrition habits to promote overall balance.
I recently interviewed Sarah to hear more about her new practice, which is located in the West Loop in Chicago.
Q: Congrats on your new practice! It’s truly integrative behavioral health, which we need more of in our country. What was your inspiration for Chicago Mind & Body?
A: I’ve always noticed in my personal life the benefits of eating well and working out. I love the feeling when I work out – I love when I do it, and I love how I feel after. And of course, I believe in the value of clinical and mental health counseling. Good nutrition and exercise, along with therapy, is also proven to help fight depression and anxiety, so it made sense to me to use this approach.
Q: Tell me about your own fitness routine.
A: Ever since I was a little girl, I was obsessed with riding horses. I started when I was 8 years old, and I still ride whenever I get the chance. In college, I always ran or hit the gym. Now I lift weights several days a week – working out is my “coffee” for the day!! But I’d say I work out typically, 5-6 days a week.
Q: How do you integrate exercise with your clients’ treatment plans? How do you deal with those that are resistant?
A: I base everything on my clinical modality, which is a lot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness work, and I am very client-centered. Of course, no two clients are alike so I customize everything. I always go into a session assuming my clients are their own experts.
If a person says to me, “I don’t exercise, I don’t have time” then I go right to self-care and how important it is to our whole state of being. I am never going to force someone to do something they don’t want to do. But I explore it. I will talk to them about things they might want to try, or things they used to do. But the bottom line is that I’m not going to tell someone to run if they hate running.
Q: Sleeping and eating patterns are always important areas to address with clients.
A: Yes, I see a lot of clients with many different concerns about their eating. Maybe they are a binge-eater or maybe their relationship with food is bad – like, they will restrict themselves for a week after they indulged at a party. I try to shift the focus with my clients to look at food at nourishment for their bodies – not “good” or “bad” and for them to not use food as punishment.
Q: Do you find that people want to see changes right away?
A: A lot of our clients want the quick fix and as we all know, there is none. But people can change and shift their thinking over time. There are so many fads right now. I use my sessions for educations purposes with regards to their own eating patterns and help guide them on a different path.
Q: What has been your proudest moment as a therapist?
A: Seeing people get better! I love seeing when they have improved and we terminate services because they don’t need me anymore. It makes me really happy seeing people do well. It’s such a privilege for people to share their lives and stories with me and to trust me to be a part of that.
Q: What is your vision for the future of Chicago Mind & Body, say, five years down the road?
A: I envision one day having my practice be a place where people can come for not only mental health counseling, but also having a workout room with weights and cardio, and rooms where myself and other clinicians can run groups. I’m also interested in starting some therapeutic walking groups around the city.
Q: I have no doubt you’ll make that happen!!
A: That’s the goal.
Q: I’m definately coming to see your place next time I’m in town.
A: I’m holding you to that!
Chicago Mind & Body is located at 25 E. Washington Street in the loop. They serve adults and couples 18 years and upup. Visit their website at www.chicagomindandbody.com for more information. Contact Sarah via email at sfarris@chicagomindandbody.com.
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