I’m reading a lot about snowplow and lawnmower parenting, and it’s nowhere more apparent than the parents of college kids.
I see pictures of parents at sorority bid nights. There are parents visiting their kids with such frequency that I wonder if they’ve taken leaves of absences from their jobs. There are monthly local parent “chapters” for many universities that congregate to do things like assemble packages to send to little Johnny and Susie.
I know of a parent that took a day off of work to go meet with their kid (a senior) and his academic advisor to oversee the picking of next semester’s classes. Another parent told me that she can’t wait for Senior Year to be over because “we are spending hours online filling out job applications.” And by “we’ – she meant herself and her kid.
A friend of mine recently sent me a screenshot of a chat from a Parent Facebook page (yes, you read that right – a Parent Facebook page) from her son’s college. A parent posted a desperate plea – ‘IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ’ – asking if someone had an extra pair of mittens for Sally and could they bring them to Sally’s dorm because Sally lost hers and she didn’t want Sally going to class the next day in a snowstorm without any gloves.
I kid you not.
This is where we are at.
I’m all for being involved and staying connected with your kid, but this is getting out of hand. We are making it so that kids can’t problem solve anything – including getting themselves to Target to buy a new pair of gloves.
I have a college-aged sophomore at Baylor University. When I decided to write about this topic, I searched for Parent Facebook pages, because I honestly didn’t know these even existed. There were a few. Reading the comments alone seriously made my head want to blow off my neck. It was all kinds of nuts. These parents are spending serious time asking opinions about professors, apartment buildings, dorm food nutrition and myriad other things that their kids should be dealing with – not them.
College parents….and prospective college parents: you gotta back the F off. They are in college. They are young adults and they don’t need you there at every turn. They need to figure things out. You are not doing them any favors. In fact, you are stunting their growth and cognitive development and setting them up for a lifetime of needing you to be involved with any big – or little decision they make.
I’m seeing more and more “Failure to Launch” young adults in my clinic and believe me, these kids all come from families that have historically micromanaged every aspect of their lives from preschool on up.
It’s a balance. And a delicate one. Parenting is a game, and you need to be in the game. But your job is to be a cheerleader, a coach…..not as a player. Encourage them, instead, to be independent. They might make some good decisions, and probably some bad ones, but don’t fix their mistakes or troubleshoot everything. Be supportive and loving and present – but be in the background, not on the front line.
A family came to me with their 17-year-old son, who was running – not walking – through every house rule. He wasn’t checking in with his parents as they requested. He was dabbling in substances, coming home high and/or drunk, well past his established curfew. Grades were suffering. The problems were many, the parents had lost control and all three were sitting on my couch, the parents in tears and the son, smirking and visibly high (unbeknownst to the parents).
“Sounds like a good time for a behavior contract,” I told all three.
A tool I use in my practice, and use often, is helping families write and implement behavior contracts. I have used behavior contracts with parents of tweens, teens and adult children (ones living at home as well as those living on their own in a college setting, or ones that have recently returned home after treatment).
Why a behavior contract? There are many reasons:
- It lays out expectations so there is no one saying “I didn’t know” or “You never told me that.” An example of this would be “Curfew on weekday nights is 10:00 p.m.; curfew on weekend nights is 12:00 a.m. sharp.”
- It keeps everyone accountable for both actions and consequences. i.e. failure to comply with stated curfew times will result in an immediate 48-hour phone surrender; there will be no video gaming when any one grade drops lower than a “B.”
- It sets boundaries – in writing for all parties involved to see – whereas prior to the contract boundaries may have been loose, or in some cases, non-existent: “There will be no smoking marijuana, vaping or drinking.”
- It clearly defines anything and everything that needs definition and clarification “you will be allowed to drive the Honda to and from school, and we will provide gas money, but any other driving beyond to and from school needs to be approved by one parent in advance.”
Behavior contracts are not completely punative; they can offer rewards – “six months of clean drug tests and your curfew will change from midnight to 1:00 a.m. on weekends.” or “we would like to host your friends over at least twice a month and we will order the food of your choice.”
The most important point about behavior contract is this: make sure you are willing to follow through with what you put on the document. For example, if you are not willing to drug test your child every month, and implement consequences for a failed test, then don’t put that on the contract.
I have firsthand seen many successes with behavior contracts. They are an excellent way for kids to earn back trust that’s been lost, to prove responsibility and for parents – to rein back control in areas where it’s been lost.
What do the following topics have in common?
- a mother who has a child consistently breaking curfew – and she has found pot in the child’s room
- a parent insisting on random UAs for their child who has been dabbling in various substances
- a couple assigning tasks to their blended large family which include household chores and limits on when they will drive and pick-up kids from unplanned or spontaneous plans
- a client being reminded to be on time for appointments, or they will be charged for a full hour
They all involve boundaries – either lack thereof or the need to enforce them. Lately, I’ve been discussing boundaries at length with clients, co-workers and friends.
Mention the word “boundaries” to anyone and people usually cringe. For some reason, the word has a negative connotation and sometimes, reaction. The opposite is, in fact, true. Boundaries, when reasonable and clear, set expectations and limits within all of our relationships – be it romantic, work, friend or parent/child. Boundaries set a standard and ensure a baseline of trust, which is a necessary component for any successful relationship.
One thing that makes me simply nash my teeth to powder is when a parent tells me, when discussing boundries, is, “Well, they’re over 18, I have no say,” or “They’re an adult, I can’t do anything about it.”
Um, huh? What? Did you really just say that? You can and need to do everything about it.
So parents, I ask you this: do they live in your house? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are you paying for their living expenses? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are they going down a path that is high-risk? Yes? Then set boundaries. Now.
A father recently came to my clinic to talk about his oldest child, an adult, who moved back home after years of heroin use. The child has been in and out of rehab. Nothing is sticking, and the using is getting worse. The child stayed clean for a bit of time, but recently relapsed. The child was stealing from his parents and lying to cover up the substance use. We discussed treatment options. I suggested that based on the current status of things, it was probably time for an intervention to take place.
“Well, I don’t want to kick a dog when it’s down,” the father said. “I’m not sure now is the time for that.”
Boundaries are severely lacking in all aspects of this child’s life. We talked about boundaries as a gift, not a punishment. I added to the father that if this didn’t happen, his child might not have another chance to steal money from him – because the child most likely will succumb to his addiction. In this case, boundaries will more likely than not serve as a life-saver.
I struggled with boundaries soon after opening my private practice. I had clients that would text me at all hours of the night and if I was up, I would usually engage in texting with them. But it was taking an emotional toll on me. I can’t be available 24/7, and I wasn’t doing my clients any favors. So, I stopped answering texts and calls after a certain time at night and let those clients know that I was not available during those times. It was a boundary I needed to set, one they respected, and it benefitted us both in the long run.
So set your boundaries, and never apologize for doing so. Your relationships will thrive – not suffer.
My first-born is off to college. We toured, he applied and he was admitted (Baylor, for those curious). We attended orientation. First semester tuition is paid, and the obligatory (and fun) trip to Bed Bath & Beyond is complete. He secured a dorm room (first choice), roommate (cute kid from Houston) and move-in time (o’dark-thirty on August 17).
He is my oldest and the first to leave the nest. I have many friends in similar boats: We have kids the same age, leaving for school and we are all entering this unchartered territory together. One by one they are leaving … for universities in-state, out-of-state, military institutions or they are staying close to home and working or attending local schools.
But here’s the thing: From my social media feed, you’d think that half of these kids have died. The posts are coming fast and furious as if their kids are gone forever and never coming home again.
And that makes me feel like a bad mom. Because the reality is – I’m not sad he’s leaving.
I’m excited. And thrilled.
Why should I be sad? He got into his first-choice school. He’s happy and looking forward to it. Plus, he’s a three hour-and-change drive away should something occur and I need to get there.
I’d be much sadder if he was home, living in my game-room with no future plan or direction.
So I simply do not feel sad. Why would I be sad? I’m thrilled for him and the wide-open possibilities that lie ahead. Will he study abroad? I hope so! Will he meet new people and experience different things than he has the last 18 years? Yes, please! I know for sure that on breaks he’ll come home and bring his laundry, empty my pantry and fridge, stay out way too late with his friends and drive me all kinds of crazy. And I can’t wait.
For 18 years, all I have wanted is for him to spread his wings and fly. And now he is. He has a work-ethic much like his surgeon-father and me combined and for that I am grateful. He is nervous and unsure and excited and planning his future independent of me. These are all of the things he should be doing as an 18-year-old facing a new challenge and mapping out his future.
I’ll always be there for him. I will sorely miss his energy and wit. I will miss his especially unique relationship he has with his sister. I will miss making him chocolate-chip pancakes and bacon for breakfast. I will miss the constant guitar and drum playing. I will miss watching Giants football games with him on Sundays. I will miss him coming into the house and saying, “Yo, whaasssup?” I will miss him cursing at the Madden Football screen. But sad? No. I’m not sad.
This momma is proud. And excited. And happy for him in a way he can’t possibly comprehend until one day when he watches his own kids go off to college.
Here in the great State of Texas, there is a not-so-great law. This law states that minors can be served in their own homes with alcohol provided that is supplied by a parent or legal guardian of the child.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents of many underage kids say, to some effect, “We are teaching our kids to drink responsibly at home.”
Um, what? No. Oh no. As Julia Roberts famously said in Pretty Woman, “Big Mistake. Huge.”
There is no research that proves that parents who serve their underage children are able to drink “responsibly.” In fact, this study shows that parents think that providing alcohol to teens at home decreases the risk for future problems, but in fact – the opposite is true. Parents that provide alcohol to minors actually increase the risk for future drinking problems.
I’ve had many clients come to my clinic and recount times in high school their parents served them alcohol. “It was always not a big deal,” they said. The irony is – and that I often point out – that they are sitting in my office dealing with some sort of substance-use issue.
I spoke with Dan Nichols, MA, LCDC, a former colleague and now Clinical Director of Lifetime Recovery, an in-patient rehab facility in San Antonio, and asked him his thoughts. “The only positive that comes to mind with parents serving minors in the home is risk-reduction with regards to operating a motor vehicle,” he said. “The others are all negatives. There are a lot of messages that are sent to the child, like they endorse underage drinking, and that it’s ok.”
When a parent introduces alcohol, Nichols says, the message is clear: “It basically is saying to the child, here’s how you should drink,” he said. “Next time, these kids will most likely be doing it outside the home.”
Nichols states there is a bottom line that parents often don’t think of when prematurely introductions alcohol to minors. “Alcohol is an addictive substance,” he said. “It’s not tea. It’s not Kool-Aid. So be aware that it can become habit-forming. People are not addicted on first exposure to alchohol, but sometimes there is an adverse effect, and sometimes there isn’t. But why take that chance with your 15 or 16-year-old kid?”
So, please, parents, please, pretty please, think twice before serving your underage children alcohol. To me, it crosses the parent boundary into the party-buddy zone. It blurs those lines, and Nichols is right: why take the chance?
Recent Comments