Dear Addiction Client,
I am writing to tell you a few things that were on my mind after our last session – actually, things that have been on my mind since the first time you walked through my door.
I can always tell when you are lying to me. Believe me, I’ve heard it all. You’ve been lying to yourself for so long that I know at this point, even you may believe the stories you tell. But I don’t. And the people around you that know you even better than I do better don’t believe you either. Beginning with the truth is a first and crucial step on your journey to recovery.
Show up for your appointments. You are wasting money if you don’t show up. And show up consistently, and on time. The only way you are going to get better is with consistent and continual therapy. Showing up for appointments holds you accountable, and forces you to be responsible.
Oh, and besides the importance of showing up for appointments……don’t show up high. Truly. Just don’t. It’s not funny, or cute or anything else. It is disrespectful to me and my time. And it is disrespectful to you and your time. You’ll never get anything done in that session – anything that you remember. Plus, I’m not going to let you drive home so besides the money you waste on the hour of therapy….you’ll also have to have an Uber to drive you home, or someone come pick you up.
If you were voluntold to come to therapy, that’s ok. Don’t be angry about that. Someone in your life loves you and is desperately trying to get you the help you need. Be glad there is someone that still cares enough about you at this point to try and get you some help. Because trust me: soon, if you don’t get serious about your recovery, they will get to the point where you will lose them forever. And they’ll be gone. Think about that while you complain about them to me. Picture your life without them for a
No one is going to do the work for your recovery. That comes from you. Not me, not your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, daughter, son, girlfriend, boyfriend, cousin, neighbor, Pastor, Rabbi, partner, friend or spouse. You will most likely have the support of one or more of those people I just named, but you and only you are responsible to do the actual work. Period.
Do I sound like I’m being hard on you? I am. I want to help you, and I want you to get better. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I don’t call you out from time to time. I know you are hurting. I know addiction is a beast to overcome. But you can fight it. I’ve seen people fight tooth and nail for their recovery. It’s possible. Anything, anything you want….it’s possible if you want it bad enough.
Recovery can happen. It can. I know you don’t think that now, and it feels like everyone is against you and the world is a hopeless place…..but stick with me. I believe in you. I know you can do it, you just gotta dig down deep and do the work. I have seen nothing short of many miracles in the time I have been working with people in addiction. I’ve seen people hit rock bottom and come back stronger and better and totally opposite of how they were before.
I can’t wait for you to re-read this letter once you’re in recovery. Do me a favor, and let’s read it together. It will be the biggest gift to me as a therapist, to see how far you’ve come.
Thanks for listening. You mean a lot to me, and I know you mean so much to the people in your life. We all want the best for you. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the best.
I’ll see you next session.
Many families are now adjusting to having a child away at college. Parents are worried about class schedules, whether Junior is getting enough nutrition and if their laundry is sorted correctly (or even done at all).
But kids are often using this situation to experiment with drugs and alcohol – in an environment where they are unaccountable for the first time (to anyone but themselves) and testing their newfound freedom.
This freedom can be okay for some, and work in the opposite direction for others. I know this because in my own clinic, I see many college students that got into some serious trouble with drugs and alcohol while away their first semester at college. Here are some warning signs that parents need to think about for their college-age children – and ones that can indicate that trouble is lurking around the corner:
- They have excessive cash withdrawals – I can’t emphasize enough that cash withdrawals must be limited. In fact, I wrote an entire blog on this topic. Make sure your child is using a debit or credit card for purchases – and not using the good ole “I paid for the check, and everyone paid me back, Mom” excuse. Why limit the cash withdrawals? Because drug dealers – and people that supply beer – only take only cash. And cash is unaccountable.
- They are out all the time – Of course, college is a time for exploring new relationships and establishing a social life. But if your child is out 4 or more nights a week (and not at the library), then they might be heading in a dangerous direction. Partying to excess is not “cute.” It’s dangerous.
- They are evasive about their friends and where they go – College is a different environment, and parents are not going to be totally in the know about all of their friends and whereabouts like they were in high school. But if they are not telling you who they hang with or where they are going, then it’s time to ask who, what, where, why and when.
- They are skipping class – If your student is repeatedly skipping class, there are probably other issues going on, such as staying out too late, being hungover, or not having motivation or feeling overwhelmed.
- They are sleeping all the time – It is natural for college students to keep more unconventional hours and nap in between class or to catch up for a big night out. Excessive sleeping can be a warning sign of depression or other issues, and that warrants immediate attention.
So what can you do as a parent, especially when your student is far away? Make time to engage. Arrange FaceTime dates, use Snapchat to send them pictures of the dog, and send occasional cards and care packages of their favorite things.
Above all, talk to them. Ask them not just if they are doing well in class or if they are dating anyone but ask them if they are worried or stressed about anything. Ask them how they are dealing with the pressure. Ask them if they are feeling alone, or isolated – or if they picked the right environment. Ask them directly about their drug or alcohol use. Don’t judge them at first if they tell you something, just listen. You might be surprised at their answers.
Don’t wait. If you suspect your child is in trouble, take action – and now. Insist they seek help with a local therapist that specializes in Chemical Dependency, or seek counseling at their college counseling center.
Above all, support them. Love them. And get them help – before it’s too late.
What do the following topics have in common?
- a mother who has a child consistently breaking curfew – and she has found pot in the child’s room
- a parent insisting on random UAs for their child who has been dabbling in various substances
- a couple assigning tasks to their blended large family which include household chores and limits on when they will drive and pick-up kids from unplanned or spontaneous plans
- a client being reminded to be on time for appointments, or they will be charged for a full hour
They all involve boundaries – either lack thereof or the need to enforce them. Lately, I’ve been discussing boundaries at length with clients, co-workers and friends.
Mention the word “boundaries” to anyone and people usually cringe. For some reason, the word has a negative connotation and sometimes, reaction. The opposite is, in fact, true. Boundaries, when reasonable and clear, set expectations and limits within all of our relationships – be it romantic, work, friend or parent/child. Boundaries set a standard and ensure a baseline of trust, which is a necessary component for any successful relationship.
One thing that makes me simply nash my teeth to powder is when a parent tells me, when discussing boundries, is, “Well, they’re over 18, I have no say,” or “They’re an adult, I can’t do anything about it.”
Um, huh? What? Did you really just say that? You can and need to do everything about it.
So parents, I ask you this: do they live in your house? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are you paying for their living expenses? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are they going down a path that is high-risk? Yes? Then set boundaries. Now.
A father recently came to my clinic to talk about his oldest child, an adult, who moved back home after years of heroin use. The child has been in and out of rehab. Nothing is sticking, and the using is getting worse. The child stayed clean for a bit of time, but recently relapsed. The child was stealing from his parents and lying to cover up the substance use. We discussed treatment options. I suggested that based on the current status of things, it was probably time for an intervention to take place.
“Well, I don’t want to kick a dog when it’s down,” the father said. “I’m not sure now is the time for that.”
Boundaries are severely lacking in all aspects of this child’s life. We talked about boundaries as a gift, not a punishment. I added to the father that if this didn’t happen, his child might not have another chance to steal money from him – because the child most likely will succumb to his addiction. In this case, boundaries will more likely than not serve as a life-saver.
I struggled with boundaries soon after opening my private practice. I had clients that would text me at all hours of the night and if I was up, I would usually engage in texting with them. But it was taking an emotional toll on me. I can’t be available 24/7, and I wasn’t doing my clients any favors. So, I stopped answering texts and calls after a certain time at night and let those clients know that I was not available during those times. It was a boundary I needed to set, one they respected, and it benefitted us both in the long run.
So set your boundaries, and never apologize for doing so. Your relationships will thrive – not suffer.
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