Like most of the world, I’ve spent way too much time online during COVID, scrolling through my feeds looking at funny memes.
One meme in particular popped up on my various social media channels. I’m sure you’ve seen it. It’s a woman, filtered to look like she’s from the 1800s, knitting a large noose as a “gift” to her husband. The tag line: After 2 weeks of quarantine with her husband, Gertrude decided to knit him a scarf.
You know, so he can hang himself. Noose..……hanging…..suicide? Get it?
Funny, right?
Hardly.
I’ve also seen mothers across the country, stuck at home working and homeschooling their kids, posting comments such as: “Shoot. Me. Now. ” or “I’m seriously going to jump if these kids don’t go back to school.”
We seriously need to stop with the COVID suicide jokes. There is absolutely nothing funny about suicide.
The COVID lockdown has brought about myriad challenges including unemployment, social isolation, families cooped up together with no place to go, and uncertainty and stress on top of the fear of getting sick and dying.
According to a recent study by the CDC, elevated levels of adverse mental health conditions, substance use and suicide ideation were reported by adults in June 2020. 11% of those surveyed reported serious consideration of suicide.
In my private practice, I often work with families that are dealing with the death of a loved one from suicide. To label the grief from a suicide death as “complicated grief” is a gross understatement.
I’ve personally attended three funerals of people who took their lives in the last four years. The devastation left from a suicide is truly incomparable to other deaths. It’s haunting. As one mother said to me recently……”This wasn’t my choice at all to be in this life without my daughter. She made that choice for me.”
Think twice before making a “joke” about suicide. I love to laugh and have needed to desperately during this time, but let’s not ever make suicide the punch line.
This morning our little community of Stone Oak in San Antonio, Texas was devastated by the news of an 8th grade boy who, last night, took his own life.
I am a trauma-informed trained crisis counselor who works with many of the youth in our community. This one hits particularly close to home. While I don’t know the family personally, I know many people who are connected with them or to them in some way or another. The kids in our community, whether they are ours or friends of our children, are all of our kids.
As our community grieves, I want to give parents and kids some resources and ways to open up dialogue and communication in your own home about this often-silent topic.
Here are some tips for parents to talk with your kids about suicide:
Use the word: When you talk about it, use the words “suicide” and “killing yourself.” Be direct with your child. Don’t circumvent the issue. Don’t say, “Have you ever thought about, you know, doing something to yourself?” Say it out loud. The words make it real for everyone.
Ask: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline recommends the following questions be asked to address current suicide ideation or intent (commanly referred to as S/I): Are you thinking of suicide? Have you thought about suicide in the last two months? Have you ever attempted to kill yourself? As uncomfortable as these questions can be to ask, they are important ones. It’s also important to ask if they know of people or friends that talk about suicide or ending their lives.
Be prepared: If your child answers “yes” to any of the three questions, take it seriously. It is not a ploy or gimmick for attention. I can’t tell you how many parents I have had call me over the years tell me “I think they are just attention-seeking.” If your child tells you they have thought about killing themselves, believe them.
Check-In Often: Things change on a dime in a child or teenager’s life – friendships shift or end, romantic relationships go awry, pressure for grades can mount, peer-pressure, feeling like they don’t fit in or have a purpose…..there’s a litany of things that can pile on, and fast. Talk with your child about their goals, how they feel about the changes in their life, and what pressures or stress they are currently feeling.
Seek Help: If you think your child is depressed or has changes in behavior, contact a professional immediately. Don’t wait to see if it “blows over” or “is just a phase.” A counselor that specializes in depression, self-injury and one that has crisis and suicide experience is important.
Listen: Someone asked me today what the signs are for someone in trouble. The answer to that is……there is no perfect formula or way to know exactly. Sometimes there are whispers. Sometimes there are screams. Often there is silence. Watch for all three, along with the below warning signs.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has the following list of warning signs to help determine if a loved one is at risk for suicide:
– Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
– Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online or buying a gun
– Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
– Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
– Talking about being a burden to others
– Increasing their use of alcohol or drugs
– Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
– Sleeping too little or too much
– Withdrawing or isolating themselves
– Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
– Displaying extreme mood swings
I give my clients (teenage and otherwise) the following resources to plug into their phones:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
24/7 Crisis Text Line: Type “Hello” or “Hi” or “I’m Here” to 741741 and a Trained Crisis Professional will respond instantly.
Keep the dialogue in your home open. Let’s reach out to those that feel alone, hopeless and desperate. Talking about suicide is uncomfortable and painful, but necessary. And could save someone’s life.
I live in the Great State of Texas, and many college students – 66,425 in 2016 to be exact, attend A & M. So of course, it goes without saying that I know lots of kids who attend school there, as well as others in the process of applying for a future spot.
One of my close friends has a son there currently and was alerted during the last month about two recent suicides on campus. Details are unknown, but just the other morning, she texted me about yet another one. That makes three. Of course, this story was buried in the news amidst hurricanes and other happenings.
Another friend, in another state, told me about a recent suicide on the campus where her son attends school at the University of Boulder-Colorado.
All of this news came after a call I received recently from Rock Prairie Behavioral Health Hospital in College Station. One of my former clients who attends school there checked themselves into the hospital feeling hopeless and suicidal. Luckily, this client reached out for help before doing anything. I received this call one day – just one day – after writing a letter my client requested asking her apartment manager to please waive a $400 pet fee because her cat was crucial to managing her ongoing anxiety. She couldn’t nearly afford the pet fee. She also, in my opinion, could not afford to not have her cat with her for the sake of her own mental health. It was a letter I gladly wrote.
The pet fee was waived.
This rash of college suicides, hitting so close to home, is worrisome. According to an American College Health Association (ACHA) study from 2016, the suicide rate among young adults, ages 15-25, has tripled since the 1950s and suicide is currently the second most common cause of death a month college students. This study has other interesting stats: 22.7% of students felt things were hopeless within the previous two weeks of being surveyed, and 58%, in that same timeframe, felt overwhelmed by all they had to do.
These statistics are alarming, but they are certainly not surprising. College is a stressful environment for many students. They are navigating being on their own for the first time, and dealing with newfound pressures of picking majors, dealing with roommates, and attending to life skills such as grocery shopping, laundry and organizing their own time management. Add the rampant availability of drugs and alcohol on campus and for some students who are already at risk, it can be overwhelming.
While are warning signs for suicide, sometimes, there simply are none. Kids can spiral fast. So listen when your child tells you they are feeling hopeless or worried or anxious or depressed. Encourage them to get help, and get it now. Insist on it. It could save their life.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has a hotline that operates 24/7 at 800-273-8255. Students can also text HOME to 741741 and a live, trained Crisis Counselor will respond immediately.
“Were you happy you woke up?”
It’s a question my boss taught me to ask people that came into our clinic, a 24-hour, 7-day a week, 365-days-a-year free Crisis Clinic. Many that walked through the door presented with suicidal ideation (S/I), or had made previous unsuccessful attempts.
This particular client was a young Hispanic female, maybe mid-20s, with a history of past attempts, the last one being an overdose of prescription pills. It was one of my first S/I cases, and I wanted to make sure I did everything right. As I staffed the case with my boss, she asked if I asked the client if they were happy they woke up after last attempt. I hadn’t even thought to ask.
Some of the questions we were trained to ask clients who expressed suicidal ideation included the following:
- Are you planning to kill yourself?
- How are you planning on killing yourself?
- Have you tried to kill yourself in the past?
- How did you try and kill yourself?
Notice the words “kill yourself.” We didn’t use “hurt” or “harm” or “do something” – we were trained to look people straight in the eye and use the word “kill.” We were also trained to say it in regular conversation voice, as if we were asking them what they ate for dinner last night, or who happens to be their favorite celebrity crush of the week.
But asking someone if they were happy when they woke up? That wasn’t part of my “formal training.”
“Go ask her,” my boss said. “See what she says, then take it from there. But always, always ask that question, and document the answer. Her answer will change how you treat and approach this case. It personalizes it beyond the ‘checklist’ questions.”
I went back to the room, monitored now by a co-worker (standard protocol for a person with S/I). I asked the client again about her past attempts, then asked her to think about the very last time: when she woke up in the hospital, was she happy to wake up?
She hesitated for a long time, staring at the floor, then looked at me. “Yeah. Yeah I was happy to wake up,” she said. “I was glad it didn’t work. My mom was sitting there crying and I’ll never forget it.”
Turns out no one had ever asked her that particular question. I told her how happy I was that she came to get help for herself today and how I wanted her to wake up tomorrow. We talked about her current plan to kill herself. She was feeling depressed and hopeless but was also, what we call in clinical terms, futuristic. She wanted to feel better but talked about upcoming events she needed to attend, school she wanted to finish, things she wanted to accomplish. Her depression was untreated and unmanaged
Our clinic staff put her on the road to treatment. I told her how happy I was that she sought help and how I wanted her to wake up tomorrow in her home, not in a hospital, or worse….to successfully complete the suicide and not wake up at all.
I now always, always ask clients that express S/I or have attempted to kill themselves in the past if they were happy they woke up. It starts a rich conversation and explores areas to apply to a treatment plan. We examine days that they were happy when they woke up, what was going on that particular day, and if they don’t feel happy now…..what do they need to do to get there, or what do they want to be different? We implement safety plans to remove means from their environment.
Sometimes, one simple question can make a huge difference. We just need to ask.
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